Drugs, Language, Sex, Violence

Love (Angel) Music Baby

2008-02-07T12:06:00.000-08:00

This has nothing to do with gay issues, and I know this, but when I find something worth sharing I'm willing to break a couple rules. So here it is, there is a website called Musicovery : interactive webRadio and it is brilliant. It is a music site that you choose your mood and it starts to play music associated with that mood, you can choose different countries from which to hear music, you can hear music that are hits or not, or both. You can hear different genres or all genres. I really really suggest that you give it a try. I've been impressed every time I've visited the site. Just try it once for me.

Dying in the desert of lesbian porn.

2008-02-07T11:45:00.000-08:00

Granted, straight porn usually includes at least two chapters (if that's what you call them) of lesbian porn, but still. My point is this, I like porn, always have and probably always will. I like watching it alone or with my girlfriend, not with friends --> that's weird. But I find that I usually like straight porn or even gay porn(gasp!) more than I like lesbian porn. The reason being; that I know when I watch straight porn and there is a lesbian "chapter" that it's going to look fake and stupid because they are catering to an audience that is mainly consistent of men. Big fake boobs, bleached blonde hair, and girls that do things with their tongues that would make me giggle, are all par for the course. So why is it that lesbian porn is the same way? Is there not a large enough audience of lesbian porn watchers to make a decent lesbian porn film? Maybe I'm just picking the wrong titles... If there is someone out there that can recommend a good, semi-realistic, lesbian porn will you please tell me, send me an email.. something.

Oo! I have another idea. Maybe I should make a community in livejournal, or a blog in myspace, or a group in facebook, or a video on youtube (that of course would go viral), and then hopefully the porn industry would see the demand for good lesbian films and produce a couple. Who's with me?

London and the two hairstyle craze.

2008-01-18T09:46:00.000-08:00

SO I'm back. I took a well needed trip to the other side of the ocean. I was there for ten days and it was really just a great trip. First of all, my girlfriend and I had invited another couple along with us. Now, I'm not someone who originally would have thought that a double-date across the ocean for ten days, with nowhere to run, would be a great idea... no no, far from it. I must admit that I was very excited that these two particular people would be joining us. So we went... all four of us... and to make matters a little more complicated, I lost my voice on the plane ride over. How do you lose your voice in a less than 6 hour time period.. I have no idea, but it happens. The first few days that we were there, it was plenty of drinking, visiting, and going to straight bars. Once, we managed to convince everyone to go to a gay bar, (which of course I didn't even notice that it was a gay bar until we were leaving, because I was smashed), and that was quite a bit of fun. But stop me please, this is not what you want to hear about.

Cocaine. Yes I said it, and I even meant it. Most shocking moment of the trip.. getting ready to go out for New Years, three million british lesbians roaming the house, and I come downstairs to see cocaine thrown onto the table, mashed by credit cards, sucked up noses. Apparently, cocaine is really really big in the UK, especially in London. I would just like to say that personally I don't do cocaine, I never have and I never will, (too many bad experiences around cokeheads), but at the same time, I could care less what you do to your own body. Therefore the reason that it was the most shocking moment of the trip was not because of the cocaine itself, but because of the way that it ended up on the tables... without a second thought. It was just plain odd to be in a room and watch cocaine be inhaled, knowing that everyone just kind of took it for granted that it was the way things were to be done. Speaking of this reminds me of a more amusing thought.

British lesbians, do they really only have two haircuts? Now if you are a british lesbian reading this, please know that I love the hairstyle and even thought about going and getting mine cut while over there, but still... how is it possible to have only two hairstyles? Brunettes have one, and bleached blondes another. A particular gent came with us on New Years Eve and at one point we ended up looking for our friends and realized that judging from the hairstyles, our friends must have cloned themselves several times over, because they were everywhere! If you are in need of a visual, here:

Blondes:

Brunettes:
Overall, I think that the trip went very very well. I am still prone to traveling alone or only with my girlfriend, but that is only because there are not many couples I would trust to keep the trip drama free. That being said, in this case, our double-date went very well, especially lasting over a week. I would definitely recommend to anyone of the gay nature to visit London, as it is a very open place and a lot more accepting than I had previously thought. Cheerio.

A Christmas Story

2007-12-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

So everyone knows that Christmas is a stressful time and my goodness, this year is really vying for the "MOST stressful Christmas EVER" award. Tomorrow I have a meeting with former employers who want to offer me a job that would have been my boss' job at the time of my employment with them. I'm extremely lucky to have a job either way, whether or not I take the new position, but it's still stressful, I hate interviews/meetings, I always have. I don't know what to say or how to go after those things that I want. These are one of those times that I wish I had the aggression of a straight man. They see the woman they want in a club/bar and boom! they walk up and offer them a drink. If they are turned down, either they persist or move on to their next target. That kind of "this is what I want" forwardness doesn't happen for me. Not in bars/clubs or interviews.

Right now, I have a friend (straight man) who's coaching my demand-skills. Number 1) Act like you're just going in to have a conversation. They are not better than you, they want you, not the other way around. Number 2) Don't be afraid to ask for more than you want, or you think you will get, worse that can happen is they say no and offer what they are willing to give, it still might be higher than what you would have accepted. Excellent so now that I'm armed with these two pieces of advice I'm still shaking in my boots... or in my case my really cute sneakers.

To add to my stress level, Christmas is two weeks away and I haven't bought one present. I have three things I need to pay for in the coming month, 1) rent for january, 2) London (the 27th to the 6th), and 3) Christmas. Now I know that I'm not poor, but I'm not rich either. So everyone's getting arts and crafts for their gifts. It's the thought that counts right?

And probably a stress inducer that I'm not really allowing myself to think about is that my brother gets home from infantry school on the 20th and on the 3rd will be flown to Hawaii to his first duty station, where he will be for the next few years (if he isn't sent to Iraq). Basically I think that Christmas will be the last time I see him before he goes to Hawaii and then Iraq.

In the end, the point is that when I stress out I take it out on everyone else and really hate when people try to help. Mostly when my girlfriend tries to help. Do straight couples have this problem? Not the stressed out, take it out on each other problem, but the "you make more money than I do and that really bothers me" problem. This may feel like it came out of left field and knowing me it probably did, but I really think they are all tied in together: money stresses me out, not having money stresses me out more, not having money when things need to be paid really stresses me out, and then add Christmas! Forget about it, it's over.

Back to the issue at hand: My girlfriend makes more money than I do, and most of the time it doesn't bother me, but when a lot of expenses are coming in and I'm having a hard time keeping my head above water, its really hard for me to watch her direct her yacht. And worse even is when she invites me onto it! I end up feeling like I owe her, like she is the reason I'm making it, and that without her I would have drowned. I am a very independent person, and a very strong willed person. I don't like to depend on my girlfriend for anything, especially not money. But I watch straight couples and it seems that it's almost expected. If you are the boyfriend, you will pay for things, and if you are the girlfriend, you will like it. I completely understand and if the couple is happy with that arrangement than more power to them, but if it were me.... I would feel like something was being taken away from me, because I was not contributing half to expenses. How do straight girls do it? How do they feel ok letting someone else take care of them financially and emotionally? I think it's fantastic and if any straight girl is reading this and wants to teach me how, please please let me know. I wish I could do that too.

Sex, is it really that hard to get over?

2007-11-15T09:56:00.001-08:00

Billy Crystal once said that men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way. That in the end men always want to have sex with women, even if the women is unattractive because the sex part is already out there and therefore the friendship is doomed. So what makes this statement different if it's two gay women, or two gay men? Why is that to the best of my knowledge and in my experience gay women and gay men usually are friends with mostly gay women or gay men, respectively? Do we not operate the same way as a man, or is it just that we constantly ignore that at least half of the friendship wants to bang the other half?

Personally, I know that there are quite a few of my friends that I find attractive and if I were single and they were single, I might this whole banging them idea a proper go, but because of circumstances they will never be more to me a friend, and of course the attractive friend that makes me look good when we go out. At the same time, lots of my friends (and I) have either hooked-up with each other or had relationships that didn't work out, and now are just good friends. How do we do that? I'm amazed by that. Even just now thinking about it, I remember conversations that I have been a part of where we compared notes about who in the room we had hooked up with, and by determining who had hooked up with more people in the room, who was the bigger slut. Straight men and women generally don't do that sort of thing, they see as if not impossible, uncomfortable. I'd also like to know about gay men. I'm not a gay man and I don't have many gay men friends, but do they screw around with their friends and then maintain these close friendships?

If this is a perk of being a gay woman I'll gladly take it, somehow we have worked out a way to not only get close to other gay women without the need for sex to be a part of it, but if sex were to become a part of it? We've found a way to either, 1) make it into a relationship that works because it was built on a friendship, 2) have a couple week fling, realize it's not going to work, and be able to laugh about it with everyone else later, or 3) have sex once and wake up the next morning not able to look at each other, but somewhere down the line go out for coffee and realize there is a friendship to be salvaged. And to those that let sex (not feelings, but sex) ruin a friendship, maybe you're straight after all.

Halloween, my favoritest holiday

2007-11-06T12:37:00.000-08:00

So Halloween has come and gone. I really love that holiday. I know a lot of people who don't, but there was something always really exciting about being able to dress however I wanted and not have to hear it from anybody. No little kids asking if I were a boy or a girl, no parents looking down their noses because I don't like to wear capri's or tight jeans. I remember when I was little, my younger brother and I would dress up in the exact same costume. If we were dracula, we both had the same cape, same tuxedo, and same mask. If we were pirates, we both had the same sword, the same pants (made to look like a skirt), and the same shirt with a vest design. I just thought it was soooo cool that he and I could be the same thing and no one would question why he was dressed like me (a girl) and I was dressed like him (a boy). It was just cute and endearing.

Sometimes it even occurs to me that no one really understands that it has nothing to do with my desire to portray something that I am not, but that I really just never found girl clothing comfortable, or hair clips attractive. Yet still when my mom would get upset enough to say something, it always ended up being, "why do you want to be a man so badly?" Are you joking? I don't even find myself attracted to men, why would I want to be one?? Nothing against men, but I can't imagine being one and I definitely don't have any desire to change who I am.

So my mom finally got used to the idea that her daughter was going to wear pants that didn't suffocate her skin, or shirts that the only part that contained a "V" was the "v" in whatever word was written across her chest and I finally got used to the idea that as long as my hair was short and my clothes weren't "girly" that I would constantly be called "Sir" or have little children ask if I were a boy or a girl. This was just going to be a fact of life and I learned to be okay with it.

Yet at the same time that I spend 364 days of the year being okay with the idea of being mistaken for a man or even better a prepubescent boy, it is really nice to be able to get dressed up like a man or a woman and have no one look at me twice. I don't get the weird looks from small minded rednecks at the convenience store who aren't sure what to make of me, I don't get the "oooo you look so girly" jabs from fellow lesbians (if on a normal day I would decide to girl it up for once), everything is just accepted for what it is, my outfit for the day. Not a change of personality, not a change of being, not a factious life I've decided to live because I can't deal with the hand I've been dealt, but a full 24 hours of being just one of the crowd and maybe even being one of the normal looking people.

And if you were wondering what I dressed up as for Halloween, it was Eddie Knox from Guitar Hero 2:
What were you?

Don't Call Me Guido!

2007-10-26T12:21:00.000-07:00

Last night I felt oppressed by a straight man. It was the first time in a very long time that this had happened to me. And the worst part about it? I knew it wasn't him doing the oppressing, but me. I saw his macho attitude and his trophy wife and started to feel very different. So what did I do... I listened to him talk and I felt better.

While Guido 1 and Guido 2 talk to each other I realize that while they both may be very intelligent, well behaved people, their accent successfully makes them sound.. well Guido-ish (macho, dumb, and vain). This is a Bon Jovi concert and it's me who in the end feels out of place. Not that Guido would feel out of place anywhere, cause I'm not sure yet whether he's even aware there are other people in the world. There is still something so unsettling to be a in a room (or for heaven's sake an arena) that is 65%-75% men, and not gay men, but men men. The kind that scratches their balls and puts their arm over their trophy to show to the other men men.

A friend said to me today, (in regards to my recent relationship behavior), "You just have to come to terms with the fact that you're a dude." I will never be a dude, to the extent that these guys are dudes. I think that's what gets me, while I definitely do not want to be a man, there is something about being that "strong" and believing so strongly that you were put here to be a blessing unto everyone, that makes for a very powerful existence. I think a lot of us are really annoyed by that attitude of "I'm god's great gift to women, look at this hair, look at this muscle, look at my car, and look at this hair!", yet at the same time I have to admit that sometimes being that confident is an attractive idea. It does seem to me that they get to do what they want, when they want, more often than most of us. Maybe if we took that kind of attitude more often, the "we are god's great gift to women, look at my pick-up, look at my style, look at my charm" maybe more people would stop questioning our being here, because we would stop questioning ourselves.

Dog days and sad gays

2007-10-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

By now most of you have probably gotten a whiff of the Ellen/Iggy debacle. For those of you who haven't heard anything about it, you might want to catch up. Basically Ellen adopted a dog, Ellen couldn't keep the dog for whatever reason, Ellen gave the dog to a friend's family. Moms, Mutts & Madness, or whatever their name is, came and took the dog back from the family, stating that Ellen had signed an agreement that she would not give the dog away. The family is heartbroken, Ellen is devastated, and the agency is trying not to have itself burned down, nor the employees harmed.

Let me first state that I think the agency has their heads up their bums about this whole thing and if the family already has a dog that is well taken care of and no young children that would mistreat it, so what if the dog went to a different home than the one originally assigned to it. But here it is, I can understand how the agency feels, whether or not the family was a good family, someone of Ellen's position should know what she is signing at all times and follow procedure to avoid situations such as this one. (And definitely not end up crying on her own daytime television show about the issue). If the agreement was that she would not give the dog away without proper notice to the agency, then she shouldn't have. But stop me, I'm getting away from my original point which was that how I found out about this whole thing threw me into a sort of rage, not because of the ridiculousness of the situation, not because of the fact that Ellen sobbed on national television about the damned dog, but because the radio talk show host that was talking about it said that the reason Ellen had acted in such a way was the she was a lesbian and that lesbians have had horrible childhoods and were messed up from their childhoods on, so Ellen had identified with the family's little girl and that's the reason she was SO upset about the little girl being upset. WHAT??

First of all, I probably shouldn't have been as shocked or pissed as I was when I heard this bullshit. Dennis and Judi are radio personalities on NJ talk radio 101.5 and they come on every day around midday. Usually I'm at work by the time they come on and they are long gone when I have the pleasure of coming home. The few times I have caught them, they have mostly been funny, kind of crazy, don't always agree with them types, but good to listen to. I have only heard Dennis talk about gay people (lesbians included) once before, and that time it was no different. He's very open about the fact that he does not accept gays as a part of the community, whether normal or not. He truly believes that we are all products of bad childhoods, and when he talks about us if someone calls in to defend the gay community he basically calls them crazy and hangs up on them. He also denounces the idea that he's homophobic or in any other way against gay people. And I believe him.... to an extent.

Sometimes I have this feeling that when told by someone that we are not normal, that we should not be allowed to marry, etc. Our immediate reaction is to label that person "homophobic" or someone who hates gays. In the vein of this example, Dennis is the perfect subject. Dennis believes that we are who we are, because every one of us has in some way or another, rebelled against our very f-ed up childhoods. He doesn't blame us, or take fault with us, in fact to him it may seem like a very natural reaction, but at the same time it doesn't make us worthy of the ability to be married, I mean hey, if we just worked out our issues we probably wouldn't be wanting other girls anyway. There is an inherent flaw in his argument however, which is that not all of us had f-d childhoods, and even if we did, that really makes us no different than those straight people who had f-ed up childhoods as well.

I think there is an entire population of people out there, who don't hate us, are not scared of us, but will never accept us as long as they can rationalize why we are the way we are with reasons like child molestation, rape, dad leaving home when we were young, mom not being a strong role model, etc. It is not fear or hate that drives them but the inability to see the real reasons we are who we are. In the end, they explain away our existence with their own reasons, because they never stop long enough to listen to ours. The hope, or at least my hope, is that we can all slow down long enough to hear each other and understand each other, because no matter the reasons that we're here... to quote a great gay slogan "we're here and we're queer." And that's not about to change.

What? Being homosexual isn't a disease? That can't be possible.

2007-10-09T10:05:00.000-07:00

I would like you to think back to when you came out. What was your experience? How did your family react? Do they all know now? How did your friends react? How did your friend's parents react? Probably more important than any of this, is how did you react?

I came out at the Union Underground in Austin, TX. I was with my parents. I told them that I thought that I was bi. This was my way of easing them into the whole idea. I was 15 years old. They were shocked, angry, upset, sad, and in disbelief. There would be no easing them into anything, they were building a wall before my very eyes. My mother said that I was being ridiculous and probably acting out my issues with men. Therapy would help.

My father.. its funny actually, I don't remember what he said or did. I think it must have been that bad. So bad that I can't remember him being there, although I know he was. My mom did all the talking, ironic since it was I who was coming out and not my mother, but still she took control and told me how it was going to be. It didn't last very long, I was back in the closet in about 15 minutes. I spent the next year of my life trying to figure out why I had thought I was gay, when my mom told me that it was just problems I was having. I even went so far as dating another girl to figure out what was wrong, well maybe not figure it out, maybe that was just the excuse I used. We hid it from everyone, it was scary and exciting all at the same time. Now looking back at it, it was mostly just hard. Emotional rollercoaster everyday.

After the year had passed and I was still pretty sure of how gay I am, I started to inch back out of the closet, maybe this time if I don't jump out and go "haha, here I am, super gay!", my parents will take it better. Plus a year had passed and if I were still sure that I was gay, they must see it as a sign, right? Nope, just a phase, a very very long phase. While I think my parents and I have never been the same, it's been 8 years and we are moving closer to that point of understanding.

As far as friends were concerned, it was hard because I had no one who was happy and not weirded out. Even those friends that were cool with it, thought it was weird. For pity's sake, even my first two girlfriends thought it was weird! Some friends were friends no longer, some friends (who might have been fine with it) weren't around me because their parents wouldn't allow them anymore, as if when they hung out with me I could give them the gay bug. While I would like to think I can give the gay bug out, I sincerely doubt it.

Of course I went through the phase of wondering if any person I saw was gay. Hanging around coffee shops that were across from gay bars, that I wasn't allowed into yet, just to get a glimpse of a "gay person". Looking up gay things online whenever I was alone at the house. It seemed that instead of my friends catching the gay bug, I had. I couldn't get away from it. I wanted to see, hear, smell, think, and taste gay. That was definitely a phase and it lasted for almost 4 years, to the point where I was sick of being gay, I just wanted to be me.

That's when I came to the point where I am now. I'm gay. I'm happy to be gay. I'm happy to have gay friends and straight ones too. I'm happy that my family and I are getting close again. I'm very lucky in life, and I'm lucky that my life is no longer defined by my being gay, or even more relevant, not being straight.

Damn, It's Hard To Be A Lesbian

2007-10-02T12:35:00.000-07:00

I think lesbians and probably gay men, although I really can't speak for them, have a really hard time finding really close, good, friends. I know I know, I'll probably get a lot of flack for saying this, but think it over for a second before getting defensive. You're a lesbian and you're choices for friends are; straight girls, gay guys, straight guys, or other lesbians. For a good night out, any of those choices can be a blast, but when it comes to the harsh reality of the world, to whom do you turn?

Let's look over these possibilities one by one and maybe you'll understand from where I'm coming:

Straight girls: The first layer to peel off are the boy crazy ones, they will never get you, period. And even worse you will never get them. Second layer are the straight girls that can't stand to hear you talk about sex, "Sorry but it just freaks me out a little", they may be really cool but when you need to talk about that weird taste or the weird thing your lover asked you to do last night, they aren't going to follow you there. Third layer and maybe the most treacherous, straight girls, who when you talk about gay stuff especially the physical side, move a little closer and raise their eyebrow in that, "I don't know what you're talking about, but I'd be willing to let you show me, especially if I'm drunk." Great, so either we can't relate to them or they want to sleep with us when drunk or alone.

Straight guys: OK, so straight guys can kind of relate to the sex side of things, I mean we're both after the same goal, it's too bad that most of them assume that we're after it with the same girl too. Seriously, what's this macho-ism thing about? Why can't we both like girls and not like the same ones? Just because you're attracted to the girl on the dance floor who's g-string is three inches above her pant line, doesn't mean I am, and it definitely doesn't mean I'm competition. If you can get past the macho-ism factor and somehow convince yourself that he doesn't want to be friends because he is hoping you'll get drunk and conveniently forget he's in the room when you start things with your latest hook-up/girlfriend, then maybe you have a chance. But personally finding a guy like that, I would wonder about his own persuasion and that brings along its own issues, see below.

Gay guys: Some of them are great to be friends with, but when it gets down to the nitty gritty, I never wanted a penis and I'm not sure I want to talk about two of them in the same room, naked, with lube and a Kleenex. As for my side of things, most of them would have a very hard time relating to a dental dam. In terms of fun factor, they are close to the top, but as far as closeness, we'll never be that close.

Now to the hardest, in my opinion, other lesbians: There are so many complications. What if you like me and I don't like you back, what if I like you and you don't like me back, what if we don't like each other but the same girl and she only likes one of us, what if I get drunk and try to make out with you and from then on you think I like you and I don't? Too many complications and yet these are the people we get closest too. We have made a group that if in the straight world would be like being friends with all the guys I know and none of the girls, and how complicated would that be? We have no one that 1) will never be attracted to us, and 2) we can talk sex with and it's all good, they understand and they can relate. It's a bitch.

So we do the best we can and we soldier on in this gay world of ours. We become resilient and blunt about honesty in friendships because there can be no confusion over who likes who, or it just gets weird. You become closest to those girls that you think are attractive but you aren't attracted to, who in return don't like you or the same type as you, and you pray that those things never change, no matter how much sangria is involved.

What comes first; the lesbian or the music?

2007-10-01T12:27:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that it seems 90% of lesbians like certain musicians that all share a common trait, not only with each other, but with the lesbians as well, that being that we're all super gay? I definitely include myself in this percentage as I love Ani Difranco, Tegan and Sara, etc. On any given day you can find me driving from work to home or vice versa blasting Tegan and Sara's The Con through my speakers and singing along with the lyrics. They are very hit or miss, you either love them or hate them. Their voices take some getting used to, but then they hit this kind of chord within you that you realize, "hey, shit, this is exactly what I am (was) going through", and from that moment you're hooked. Their lyrics and their talented way of strumming a guitar/banjo really get beneath your skin and you find yourself putting the CD on repeat. My question is, would I have liked this music if either; I were straight or if they were?

As my last post suggests I love being part of the minority of the majority, so why is it that I find myself downloading Ani DiFranco? Why do I yearn to be part of the crowd of girls shouting and singing along? Or more importantly, the gaggle of gals who want to strip various articles of clothing off and throw them towards the stage in an effort to get that one glance from Ms. DiFranco, that would surely send some of us into a fainting spell? In some ways, I see her as the lesbian Elvis, with Tegan and Sara maybe running a close second at lesbian Buddy Holly status. Yet there are instances where I find myself pulling back and thinking, "do I really like this music?", especially when I ask someone, not of our persuasion, whether they like her and that blank look goes across their face, or when I begin to tell one of the 10% about my latest DiFranco story, and they say something like, "typical lesbian music"...

So here it is in black and white, I like girls, Ani likes girls, I like Ani because she likes girls (and her arms are hot). Maybe her music was hard to listen to at first, but I pushed myself past that breaking point because I wanted to know what everyone else was going on about. Now listening to her music I hear something, unlike at the beginning when I would listen to her music and it was only because I was trying to be part of something. Now I listen because I hear something that touches me and to which I can relate to personally and as part of the group. So I fall into the 90% of us who like "typical lesbian music" so what? It just means I have more DiFranco stories to tell than some.

Sidenote: I do listen to a variety of music, including some not at all lesbian musicians, i.e. The Fratellis, but of course any female singer/songwriter/musician that my friends and I like is automatically a lesbian by our decree and any male musicians, would be if they were female. So I guess technically according to my peers and I, all music is "lesbian music".

Being Gay

2007-09-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been asked to start writing again and honestly I must admit having felt the itch. Though this time around, unlike any other, I think I'll mostly be concentrating on issues in the gay community. Including those that effect me personally, my friends, and of course those that are just out there waiting to strike at any moment.

Lately I've felt more and more like the only "relatively" conservative homo out there. I mean, where are the rest of us? Even my girlfriend has the liberal bug. Most likely caught from all our friends who have it as well. When I was young and impressionable my mom must have successfully given me the shot containing the.... I don't want say "cure" or "anti virus" because I don't believe there's anything wrong with being gay and liberal, in fact in our great minority, they are the majority, but somehow I got left off of that memo. Still I do wonder, occasionally, whether the only way I'm going to find other conservative homos out there is to go and become a log cabin republican and let's face it, when I say I'm conservative, log cabin is going a bit to the right for me.

This issue came up once again when I was talking with a friend who equated being gay with being pro-choice. Now, hey I'm all about free speech and the right to believe what you believe and practice what you practice, but don't assume that just because I'm a out and about lesbian that that must mean I'm pro-choice. I'm not pro-choice, I never have been.

The predicament comes when I realized that I don't think I know any other lesbians who are pro-life. Here I am in a group, (and we all know the group is huge because if you're a lesbian under the age of 35 then you know every other lesbian under the age of 35 within a ... 100 mile radius at least, and if you don't know them, trust me they know you), so here I am in this group of 3000 lesbians and I am the only one that is pro-life, where are all the rest of us?? I don't mind being the only one when the conversation is one on one, but when in a room full of friends it would be nice to lock arms with someone else.

So in an effort to feel like I was not the needle in the haystack but instead part of a minority inside another minority (talk about being different), I searched for "Pro-Life Lesbians" on google.com and this is what I found: http://www.plagal.org . If you are interested in learning more about being a homosexual who is also pro-life please visit this site. They also have many links to other sites about abortion and ways to help people going through making this decision. As for me and feeling rather alone, that feeling is gone, I just wish there were more of us under 35.

Favorite Pro-life quote: " Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born." Unfortunately I don't know who said it first or I would credit it to someone.

England.

2006-07-27T06:39:00.000-07:00

I'm in London at the moment. I'll be back on Sunday night, which means that there will be an update on Monday. Please leave a message. Beep.

Favorite Website of the Month

2006-07-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

And the winner is: Don't Date Him

Absolutely hilarious. Now I know that it's supposed to be taken seriously and that it may in fact have had some detrimental effects to some poor guys out there, but personally I think that it's very funny and not to be taken with a grain of salt. And girls.. there are websites about you too: Don't Date Her

Time Moves So Slowly.

2006-07-18T10:18:00.000-07:00

Friday was a quiet night, which was very smart of I. and I since Saturday we had to get up very early, get ready, get ice, get in the car and go with C. to the parking lot across from Yankee Stadium for tailgating. At some point in the previous 24 hours I had decided that I would drink a bit since it was a baseball game and I haven't in a while. SO I had three beers and was wasted. I don't know how that happened other than that I'm fairly small and hadn't eaten anything, also the temperature was about 90 degrees. We waited until the 4th inning to finally go inside. I. and I ate everything that we could find on our way there, you would have thought we were flying high by the way we were eating. Hot dogs, dippin' dots, more hot dogs, minute maid frozen lemonade, gatorade, pretzels, and more beer. The Yankees won, of course, and we even got to watch sme home runs being hit. I. says 4, but I only remember seeing 3 (but I was very drunk, so...). Eventually we all made our way home, even at 6 o'clock the traffic was awful.

Later that night, I., J., and I drove back into the city to go to Nation and dance a bit. It had been a lifetime since I had been dancing so I had a great time, shaking it. I talked to A. for a while, whose nickname is Easy due to the first story I ever heard her tell, which was of a day when she came into her room and found a naked girl in her bed, attempting to seduce her, and even though she didn't like the girl what else was she supposed to do?? The girl was naked! It was really good to see our friends and spend some time with them. Especially because on Friday of this week, meaning three days from now, I. and I will be getting on a plane and flying across the ocean.

That's right Britain! Here We Come! But until that happens I just have to sit here and watch the supposed minutes turn into hours before my eyes. Time moves far too slowly when you're attempting to speed it up.

6 Months and Ani

2006-07-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

Nothing much has happened over the past couple days, well let's say before yesterday. I do't really even remember Monday-Weds, maybe I. can remind me if anything happened of importance. Yet yesterday I had a job interview for a full time position working as the Assistant Program Manager of the Sports for Kids program of the New York Sports Club. I really want this job, I think I would be very good at it and I really like the people with whom I interviewed. (I might sound uppity but I'm trying to stop ending sentences with pronouns... if you say the word "pronoun(s) at the end of a sentence does it count as one?) Anyhoo, so I went in and the interview took about an hour and a half. It went very well I thought, they asked for my references which I sent to them today, after sending a blank email to them last night (gah!). So we will see. I also have been offered an interview by the New Jersey Department of Personnel for a Criminal Prevention Aide position that I think would be a lot of fun and pays very well, if I can get the job. Wish me luck!

This whole thing was not the exciting part of my day however. The exciting part of my day was actually when for our 6 month anniversary I. and I drove into the city to go to Central Park, I know some of you may be saying "Aww" right now, but we weren't going for a picnic, we were going to see Ani. Ani who? I can't believe you just asked that. Ani fucking DiFranco, that's who. If you haven't heard any of her music, please please please for me, go here. Ignore her pinkish, reddish, dreads... she's a big hippie, but listen to the music and the lyrics. If you search her name on YouTube you'll find plenty of videos, some of my favorites are Gravel, Overlap, Untouchable Face, 32 flavors (which has already been linked), and the entire concert. If your obsessed with music videos here's one of hers: Shy. You can also go to her website and listen to almost all of her cds. She's just an amazing performer, guitarist, and songwriter. Thank you I. for taking me last night, it was my fourth time at an Ani concert but it was the best cause I was with you and you were experiencing it completely new. I love you and I'm very very happy with you. One week from today we leave for London, the countdown has begun!! WOOO.

The Weekend Past

2006-07-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

I. and I drove down to Virginia on Friday night, but of course we didn't leave NJ until about 9, so we didn't arrive until 2 in the morning. I dropped I. off at her mom's and continued on to my older brother's house, where I expected everyone to be asleep. When I walked in I found my older brother playing video games and waiting for me to arrive. He has shaved off all of his hair in an effort to be supportive of his father who is going through chemo therapy and has therefore lost off of his hair in the process. I think it's a boble cause, but at the same time recognize that my older brother's head is very oddly shaped so I hope that soon he can grow it back at least a little. It was 8 in the morning when I was woken by the 3 year old crawling all over me. I was extremely excited to see and visit with my nephew, I was just hoping for maybe a little more time to sleep, but alas, that was not to be. So Saturday I spent the day playing with my nephew and trying to figure out plans for the evening.

I. and I got into a bit of a tussle because I didn't want her to drink and drive, and she felt that she's an adult and that one beer wouldn't put her in any danger as far as being able to control the car. In the end I decided not to go and hang with she and our friend E. because I didn't like her attitude, I didn't want to be the one to prevent everyone from having fun, and I didn't want my younger brother to be around people who would drink and then get behind the wheel of a car. Maybe this whole paragraph makes me sound unreasonable or on the opposite end like I'm accusing I. and E. of being horrible drunks or out of control when they drink. I hope that it's neither, I just wanted I. to be safe and that the best way to know that you're safe is to not risk it. In the end E. agreed not to drink and to drive so that I would come out. R. (my younger brother) and I went to TGIF's to meet them, have a bit of a chat up, and then E. aggreed to D. (another one of our good friends) that we would come into Washington D.C. to meet them. I. and I really weren't feeling up for it but decided that we owed D. to go in, so we did and ended up in another's friend's apartment listening to showtunes and then rap and back to showtunes. These were people after my own heart.

When we finally came back at 3 in the morning, R. and I decided to stay at I.'s moms house and just take her with us in the morning since we had a family reunion in Southern MD to attend. Of course I slept through the alarm and was late, we rushed back to my older brother's, had lunch, packed up our stuff and took off. About twenty minutes after leaving I was pulled over for reckless driving. Yep that's right 78 in a 55 in Virginia, my court date is Septemeber 13th if you would like to come with me for moral support. I really truly believed that the speed limit was 65 and that I was only going 75, so hopefully when I go to court that's what they'll drop it down to and then I'll just take defensive driving for the third time in my life. I don't feel too bad though, I'm now even with I. (And I was doing so well!!). At the same time that I'm getting my reckless driving ticket, R. is getting a littering ticket because of a cigarette butt he threw out the window, because he didn't want to be smoking when the police officer cam eup to the window. At least we have the same court date.

Finally we're back on the road and into MD when we pull onto a back two lane road, speed limit is 40 and the lady in front of me is going 35. So I pull around her at the next pass zone, when to my disbelief she pulls right back around me and speeds up to 60, and I think ok she wants to be in front, that's fine as long as she's going this fast. When I realize that she is only going to go this fast through the speed zones, because as soon as it's over she's back down to 30-35. I wanted to kill her, kill someone. It was lucky I had gotten a ticket earlier that day because I was seriously considereing running her off the road. Everyone in the car begins to have a serious case of road rage, yelling explitives, threatening to hurl anything from a bottle of water to spit to gum at the car, and every pass zone we're back up to 60. I hope she enjoyed those 20 miles because if karma really does work, she's going to end up in a ditch with her brand new fancy car all busted up one day, and I'm going to pass by and laugh.

I would talk about the family reunion but there's not much to it. It was good to see family. We really got bit a lot by mosquitos. Then we drove back home to New Jersey. It took forever and a day, but I was really glad to be back. There's no place like home.

Follow Up?

2006-07-07T11:23:00.000-07:00

So I was listening to the radio yesterday and realized that there is a song that is currently extremely popular that talks about exactly what I was discussing the other day here: Misjudged Love or Love Misjudged?

If you look at the lyrics and read the thought, you'll understand exactly what I mean. I hope.

P.S.- On a side note, whatever it is in this song that is supposed to help hook people in to liking it, totally worked on me, I love this song.

July 7th

2006-07-07T10:42:00.000-07:00

One year ago today the UK was attacked. With 52 people killed on the three subway cars and one double decker bus that exploded when bombs planted on them went off, we bow our heads and pay a little respect to those who innocently lost their lives. I'm not going to go off on a political tangent, because I just want to leave well enough alone, and hopefully by doing so bring some respect and thought to those who passed. Having lived right outside of Central London the thought of that day still sends shivers throughout my body, but yet this is a true reality for us all. Let us hope that those who have passed find peace and those who live find calmth and serenity.

While I'm Thinking About It.

2006-07-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

Here's a small plug for Webjay. It's an awesome site that basically allows you to peruse other people's playlists and listen to them and also amazingly lets you copy songs from their playlists and make an eccletic one of your own. Which if you take a moment to look at the bottom of this page you will find. That's the really cool thing, you can add your playlist to your blog or to your myspace, while it always is shown on Webjay. It is definitely my cool website for July. Take a look for yourself.

Maybe We Should Be The Generation Of Misjudged Love

2006-07-06T11:36:00.000-07:00

What is love? What does it mean to be in love? If it's not returned are we supposed to immediately be able to love/be in love with another person? What's the time limit that we set for ourselves? How are we to know if it's love, if the majority of us don't even stick around long enough for the other to wake up? Has our generation completely muddled what the feeling of love is, to be replaced by lust/desire/passion and the need for good friends?

When I have sat and considered my friends, I have seen good people with good hearts. People willing to give their all for a friend in trouble. Who are there when you need them and even when you don't. They are smart people, with good heads on their shoulders. So for people with good heads, good hearts, and the ability to give their all for someone else, how did we come to a point of being so selfish when it comes to relationships?

In some ways I have a hard time putting this thought into words, because I am just as guilty of these actions as anyone else. Here is where I will begin. I don't know anyone in my life who isn't looking in some way or another for a person that will be a balance of their less than admirable traits, who will challenge them in every part of their life to be better, and who will provide a sexual life that is pleasing and more than satisfying, yet at the same time these same people go out and hook-up with randoms because it's fun. I think a major problem with our attitude toward the idea of a relationship is our definitions of our behavior and the multitude to which we have definitions. So I will lay out all the different words for a relationship status and their definitions as best I understand them, and then I'll continue this thought.

Relationship Status/Definitions:
1) Talking: Interested, but not serious, no commitment as of yet, but both parties are interested and seeing where things lead.
2) Hooking Up: May be a thing of convience, not necessarily a sign of a relationship to come, no commitment unless previous discussed between both parties
3) Fuck Buddies: Fun but not serious, no commitment, attraction but no future
4) Fling: Long-term fuck buddies, no commitment
5) Dating/Seeing each other: Recognition of attraction and possible future, no commitment thus far
6) Open Relationship: In an official relationship, depending on agreement allowed to anything from hook up (see definition above) or date (see above definition) another party
7) Together/Couple: A relationship in which both parties agree to be monogomous with each other and are attempting to create a future with each other

Now I'm sure that I'm missing some terms and may even have the definitions a little backward, so feel free to correct me, I won't mind. The point of this is that with 7 different terms for what could be happening, only 1 has commitment involved, 2 if you include an open relationship. What does that ask of us as responsible adults? Test ourselves often and have fun. Is that what love comes down to now? Or is it more that we are to have fun, but not commit until we're sure that love is involved somewhere in the relationship. Maybe I am protraying this as too simplified. Since the large majority of us will not find the one we will spend our futures with until at least 23-25 years of age, is it completely understandable to have fun from the time that we lose our virginities until 23-25, because there's no hope for those relationships lasting anyway.

I would propose something completely different. Since those relationships that we have between those ages have died either peaceful or god awful horrible deaths, they are not any less worthy, because I would contend that they taught us something about what a relationship entails; commitment, patience, compassion, balance, compromise, faith, fun, laughter, anger, fights, etc. Most importantly love and respect. If we can hook up with someone and not ever have to put in the time, effort, and emotion that goes into building a healthy, balanced relationship, how will we ever learn how to, because one day we will meet that person that we want to be with monogomously, yet we've never learned how to weather bad times to get to the good again. So at the first sign of trouble we jump ship, because this isn't what it's supposed to feel like, right?

Also I would contend that love is something that cultivates over time. Yes, of course, I believe in being in love, but I don't believe that you reach a point that you're in love with someone and there's no more growing (feeling-wise). I believe that if you compare two couples that are truly in love with each other, one has only been together a year and the other ten, you will find that the ten year relationship has learned how to love each other in a way that one year simply cannot, and it is no fault of the one, it's something cultivated over time.

In my own personal life, I am with someone that I love and with whom I'm in love. That I have loved for three years, and who I love way more than I did at the beginning. I'm sure, beyond a doubt, that she loves me more today than she did a year ago. We are very different people, even in regards to this subject. I, being more of the "serial monogomist" that she has so aptly named me, and she was more of the "go out and have fun" type, seeing those people who got into relationships as having settled for someone rather than continuing to look. Does it mean that every relationship that I was in before this one I had settled and does it mean that she never learned the ways of a good relationship? Obviously it's not as cut and dry as this post makes it out to be, but nevertheless I wish my generation would question their approach to love and the art of relationships, because I watch too many of my friends relationships fail, not because they weren't good for each other, but because they were, but couldn't weather the pain it takes to grow together.

Still, my question remains the same; how are we to know whether it is love when we don't even wait for the other person to wake before leaving?

Young, once again, even if only for a moment.

2006-07-05T08:47:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I. and I, hung out with T. and his friends, instead of going out. It was a good choice I think. We got the benefits of hanging out with people and at the same time not having to travel. Which since all of our friends live at least 20 exits away, we have to travel any time that we want to see them. Then on Monday night we went to a BBQ. We were actually out of the house! All of our friends were very happy to see that neither of us had died in the last few weeks. We had hamburgers, hot dogs, swimming, smoking (cigs), and generally lots of just hanging out. It was a great time. I found, at some point during the night, a water gun in the shape of a shark. It was the absolute best toy with which I've ever played. I spent about two hours randomly shooting everyone. The aim was amazing and the distance this toy got was well, long to extra long.

July 4th. There's something about the day of Independence that always makes me feel like crying. It's the same thing that happens everytime I hear the National Anthem. Yes, I cry everytime I hear the National Anthem, maybe it's sad but it's true. I feel very overwhelmed with emotion and I think that it might be that I was raised by a family that drilled into me how lucky I really am to be here and to live here, and in the end, I believe it. I think I'm very blessed to live here. There are too many things to list as reasons, so I'll leave it at I'm American and that gives me a sense of place, belonging and pride that maybe people will look at as arrogance or ignorance, but I believe is neither.

In regards to how I. and I celebrated the Fourth of July? We went on a search for hot dogs, and ended up coming back with hot dogs, chef boyardee, and a baseball game for X-Box. So we cooked hot dogs, drank beer, and played virtual baseball. How more American could you get? Oh yeah, we did all of this with the sound of fireworks booming outside the windows. I can't imagine celebrating any other way.

In other, just as exciting news, I think that I. and I are going to go the State Fair tonight with a bunch of friends. I am tres tres excited about this. I worked the State Fair last summer as a Lemonade Squeezer/Sausage Handler. You could day I was playing both sides of the fence, but either way it earned me over 600 dollars for two weeks work! Anyway, so this summer it will be interesting to be on the other side of things; to ride the rides, be a patron, and maybe have my lemons squeezed.

Zidane who?

2006-06-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

I. has often heard my rambling about one of the greatest soccer or football players that I have ever had the honor to watch. His name is Zidane and he plays for France. He's from North Africa. He has magnetic feet and a grace that is hard for a ballerina to accomplish. In short, he's magnificent. He is also, sadly, retiring from the sport. Zidane is a little bit older (34) than most on the field and has a long, brilliant run. No one can blame him for retiring now, but he will be missed by many in France and the rest of the world. If you do not know Zidane, look here and it will give you an idea of who he is and was.

* EDIT: 07/11/2006: What?? What was he thinking? His last game, the World Cup Final, and he goes and does this? Zidane gets a red card and is thrown out of the last game of his career, I don't believe it.

Turn Here?

2006-06-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took my brother into NYC to drive for the first time. He had something that he needed to take care of and Mom doesn't trust him driving on the Jersey side, so she really wasn't good to let him drive in NYC. She asked me to sort of babysit. Be his personal driver for lack of a better way to put it. I agreed on the condition that I get paid for the time away from work that I missed. It was the best deal I've ever made in my life. I have often said that I would not like to live in the city, I think I've changed my mind. I would love to live in the city as long as I lived in a good neighborhood (maybe the Village) and I didn't have a car. I love the pace of the city. It's like Jersey, but faster and angrier, without the amazing guzzling of gas.

We started out by going to the doctor's office where R. was to have spots on his skin looked at, just in case they might be cancerous. I sat in the car and mooched off someone else's wireless signal to apply for jobs. Then we dropped by the photo place so that he can prints to turn into modelling agencies. He's going to be famous one day. It turned out that the prints were going to take two hours to put together so lucky us, we got to drive around NYC and go to Joe's Pizza, which Mom introduced to us a very long time ago. It's sort of tradition for our family; go into the city, get a slice at Joe's, go to Rocco's and gte cannoli/chocolate mousse/iced coffee/ or whatever else your sweet tooth desires. Sadly we didn't have time to go to Rocco's yesterday, but we did have time to talk to each other, to argue about politics, to discuss current affairs, and to generally bond again. It was a very good day in the city, and what could be better than that? Oh yeah, getting paid as if I was at work for going into the city instead!

Later on, I., Mom, R., and I got chinese food from a place called Tina Louise. It's amazing, and tastes so good. Then I. and I went over to hers and I got to really try my new reading glasses. Oh yeah, I forgot! My new reading glasses. I have never had glasses before and always sort of wanted them. Well now I have them because I'm straining my left eye ball. My vision is still perfect, but would start to fail if I didn't take the proper precaution, so I will wear glasses when reading or working on a computer. I look rather dorky, almost like I should laugh through my nose and be a bit of a social recluse. But that's ok, it will balance my "I'm too sexy for this..." side. Ha.

I forgot!

2006-06-28T12:01:00.000-07:00

PS- I. and I watched the greatest movie ever last night. Love, laughter, good people, good morals, good music, good scenery, hot girls, and DDR. What could be better, seriously?!? Ok so it's called Imagine Me & You. Yes, it's about two women who end up falling in love, but you'll love it I promise. And if you don't I will send you a sock as a consolation gift.

Am I gay? I'm ecstatic!

2006-06-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to begin about this weekend. Really nothing major happened to me, yet I'm exhausted. Friday night I went over to I.'s place and nothing terribly exciting happened... wait for it. Saturday morning we finally pull ourselves out of bed and shamble towards the car so that we can go to her mother's wedding. No car.. that's right, where once I.'s car stood proud there is a sick looking delapidated mini-van, I don't even think I should call it a mini-van but maybe a shag wagon with AIDS. Anyway, no car, which meant one of two things, either; 1) I. took to sleepwalking, sleepdriving, and sleepparking, or 2) her car had been stolen. So after trying to figure out any other alternative we went to the police station and filed a report. Two hours later we finally got on the road towards VA (after I.'s younger sister telling, "You do know the wedding is at 7, right?"). We made fairly good time and got to the wedding on time. It was a beautiful ceremony, there was a brief moment of panic for me when I., completely straightfaced, told me that she had informed her mother that I am a fairly good singer and therefore her mother had set it up so that I would sing a song, I nearly killed her and she nearly pissed herself laughing when I realized she had put me on. For the next twenty four hours everything was fairly uneventful.

We came back home and went straight to the police station where they told us to call the next morning. I had an eye exam and I. had a test the next day. So we spent another quiet night at home and the next morning gave the police a call, "call back after 8.. PM". Are they joking?? I went to my eye exam and we determined that I'm straining my left eye at my job. That's not the only thing that I'm straining but one thing at a time. Long and short of it, I'm getting glasses, well reading glasses. I think they're cute and they make me look older, nothing wrong with that. We call back after 8PM, they tell us to wait one more day. In essence I. had to wait until last night to get the phone number of the place where her car is being held, we can't go look at it or get anything out of it, even thought it's her car, because the insurance company needs to see it first (as if we're going to go and mess it up more, right?).

There's another thing that is stressing both I. and I out. It's hard to talk about and it's something that we both need to be aware of, but we're going to make it through. I have no doubts about that. In some ways, when you date your best friend it can be really hard because those things that you would immediately take to them to talk about, you can no longer. I knew this when I got into the relationship, but seeing as how this is I.'s first relationship I'm not sure she did. I want to be there for her when she needs to talk about this issue, but I dont want her to feel like she's going to put distance between us, as far as our relationship is concerned, because the things she's scared about or angry about are things that have to do with me. I just wish that she had some close friends that weren't gay, and weren't my close friends also. I do believe that it's very important that friends of the person you're dating get along with you well. It's a sign that you're a good match. Yet at the same time I recognize that the need for having close personal friends that you don't share the same closeness with their sig. other is very important. That's what I hope both of us will be able to find shortly. It will help with loneliness that I. might feel (and that I am feeling in some ways), but also when things like this come up, she doesn't have to feel like it's talk to me or no one.

In other news, I. came up with this amazing idea of creating a podcast. I think that it would be awesome to do something like that and helpful for me to feel like I'm doing something productive. So this weekend I'm really going to go after the idea and see what I can do. Also maybe I can convince I. to come and do her Friday's Five, cause I have always loved those and I'm sure that anyone... (if I could recruit anyone to)... listening would love them too.

If I lay here...

2006-06-22T09:32:00.000-07:00

What is it about a song that in the right moment can make you become overflooded with emotions?
Hold On
Chasing

Lick My Nose? Please?

2006-06-21T12:08:00.000-07:00

Looking around the Strange But True news of today I found an article about a man saved when his dog called 911. Yes, that's right, his dog called 911. Yet this wasn't the part of the article that caught my attention as being the extra special characteristic ofthe dog. Read the last paragraph and tell me that you don't wish all pets could be this accurate about how sick we are. Really? I wonder what the training for this must have looked like.

So in other strange but true news, I made a mistake on my SSN when I opened an ING Savings Account, so I will have to print out a W-9 form and either fax it or mail it in to them a.s.a.p. What a ridiculous hassle over one little number, but this was totally my fault. I rush far too often and end up making rather dumb mistakes that will cost me time and energy in the end. I need to learn to slow down and take my time.

Also I.'s mom is getting married this weekend (which could also be part of the reason that we're bonking heads). I don't know how I. feels about this in the truest sense, maybe she doesn't even know. I think it's going to be a very good thing for I.'s mom since the man she's marrying seems to be a very nice, loving guy. It makes me wish that my mom would start dating. In some ways it seems ironic to me that my dad has begun to date again and my mother hasn't, seeing as how she was the one to ask him to leave. Lots of people who have parents that split up, either openingly or subconciously, hope that their parents will realize the mistake and come back to each other. This happens very little, which is sad for the kids that keep hoping and never get that wish. Unlike all of them, I have never held this wish. Maybe it's because my mom split from someone who was not my biological father and even though he raised me and I consider him Dad more than anyone else by far, this biological bond was never formed and therefore there is no need for me to see them together. I want them to be happy. I still talk to both my parents, they still advise me, and I still go to either of them when I'm having problems that I can't solve on my own. It makes little or no difference to me that one lives 200 miles away and the other 20 feet. When my dad told me that he was dating someone I was really happy for him, the only worry about timing that I had is that since he had the emotional maturity of a 6 year-old when he and my mother split, did he really have enough time in the three years between to grow up 30 some-odd years? In the end, it mattered not, he broke up with her when he realized that she wanted something a lot more serious than he did, maybe he did grow up?

Mom, on the other hand, has been asked on a date recently. As always we ended up in the car for a couple of hours discussing the pros/cons, the worries she had, and whether or not I thought it was a good idea. Mom has come to me for advice since I was 13 or 14. Most of the time I don't mind it at all, it's just part of our relationship. She asks me what to do about my younger brother and I tell her to kill him, simple. But this one was a lot more complicated. I don't want to see my mother get hurt, but I think it would be dreadfully sad to see her alone for the rest of her life. Or even for the next couple of years. She likes this guy who asked her out (which is rather odd to see my mom getting a little anxious about a guy) and she wants to go out and see where this could go, but she doesn't trust that he could really like her because of her weight. That's the only thing that prevents her from knowing that he'll like her, every other worry she has is associated with whether or not she's ready and whether or not it's worth it. Frankly, I think that there's part of you that's never ready after heartbreak, but its that part of you that you put aside and take the plunge. It's like standing on the edge of the cliff and no matter how long you stand there, there will always be part of you that wonders if you jump whether you'll make it safely to the bottom, it's only when you put that part of you aside and take the chance that that part doesn't matter and therefore doesn't exist anymore.

So in helping my mom get to a weight where she feels comfortable to see this guy or any guy for that matter, I have agreed to go to the gym twice a week with her. Who knows maybe this will help me shake the cloud of depression that seems to be getting stronger the longer I don't get called about a job and the longer that I'm not playing any sports. So bring on the gym and hopefully we'll get to the point where I will allow this guy to date my mom.

Where are you, Dr. Drew?

2006-06-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

Last night I. and I hit a wall. I can't call it a fight or a squabble or an argument or even bickering, because there is none of that. So I will call it hitting a wall cause that's how it feels. The precipatator was just that, nothing more, not even worth talking about. The real problem started when I said that she "takes all the enjoyment out of being upset". I didn't mean that and if I had thought about it I probably would have said it more like this:

When I'm hurt or upset or frustrated by something going on in our relationship I say it. I am extremely quick to get my feelings out onto the table so that WE can deal with whatever it is. I am in a relationship and I don't expect to deal with those things that have to do with my relationship alone. Same for the other half. If something is going on for her that makes things less than how they should be or less than she wants them to be, I expect her to approach me about it so that WE can work it out and fix it, at least come to a compromise. Last night I was upset by something and I. took it and internalized it, it felt like she was disappearing into the wall. I want to work stuff out together and she wants to be left alone, and in the long run I don't mind leaving her alone to mull over the issue and work on changing her behavior if she sees that a change would be for the best, but I have a huge problem with the feeling that when she internalizes this problem she also assumes that the fact that she behaved in that way must mean that she's a fuck-up, or a bad person, or heartless, when it was never even close to that. One thing that she says occasionally that I want to scream when she says is "well we can just add that to my list of screw-ups" and then it seems as if her heart is breaking, and it fucking breaks mine because everyone screws up, everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. I obviously believe that she is more than a worthwhile person with whom to be in a relationship, and along with that desire to be with her, there is no expectation that she will never hurt me, annoy me, or disagree with me. It wouldn't be a relationship if we didn't do those things to each other, and they don't imply anything more than that they are there and that we need to deal with them. They do not imply anything about our character, anything about our desire to be with each other, and definitely not anything about our worth as people.

What I meant by my statement was that for me it feels like there can be no progress in our relationship if I'm afraid to be upset with her or to feel something about her behavior unless it's a good feeling, because I'm afraid that she will take it so personally and so harshly towards herself. I love her, I'm in love with her, I think she's an amazing person and I recognize that she makes mistakes and that she does things sometimes that she has no idea will effect me, but how can she know that these things exist if I don't talk to her about them? And yet how do I talk to her about them when I get the feeling that she takes it to mean that she's a bad, horrible, or thoughtless person, when I don't think she's any of those things or even close to them. If I did I wouldn't want to be with her and I wouldn't want to be close to her. This is what I meant by that she takes all the enjoyment out of being upset with her. I don't want to push her to talk when she doesn't want to, but at the same time I don't want to shut up because she will make herself feel so much worse than she ever should have. I feel lost because I don't know how to act for the best and it makes me really sad, because I want to move forward in this relationship and I feel like if I move at all I might just end up pushing her away or hurting her. And that's the last thing that I want.

Dundee to London

2006-06-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever noticed how bloody difficult it is to plan a trip in Europe when on limited funds and limited time if you're not actually in the country? Well I certainly have, since I am right now in the process of planning my and I.'s trip to London for a week and a half. No matter what happens I'm sure it will be an amazing trip, but right at the moment it feels like a bit of a hassle. I am trying to find trains from London to Dundee or Edinburgh so that I. and I can go to Scotland for the first weekend. This would be my first trip to Scotland and I will not let this plan fall through, I am too attached to it now. Yet it would seem that the Gods do not want me to go to Scotland since everything is so complicated. I just find it seemingly odd to have a website ask me whether I am a U.S. citizen or British citizen or Mainland European citizen and when I reply that I am a U.S. citizen to have this said website tell me to wait a moment while they access the website for U.S. citizens. Once there I look up train times and prices and realize that there are not as many train times and the prices are higher than as if I had said that I am a British or Mainland European citizen. I mean come off it! I love Europe just as much as the next person, in face I think I may love it more than the average European! I should get a discount for publically proclaiming my love for Europe on a regular basis and therefore pushing more Americans to visit, but alas the train companies do not see it this way. Anyway, having lived there I can find ways around this nationalist punishment. It's just more of a hassle, c'est toute.

In other news, this weekend I was still pretty sick but C. was having a bit of party and at first I didn't want to go. So I got quite pissy and childish when I. said that she was going to go anyway. I decided that I would sink into a mild balloon of selfishness and self pity, when I. didn't buy it, I called her and told her to come pick me up so that we could go together. Good for her, I say. The party itself was a lot of fun. There was a good mix of people, straight/gay/gay sometimes. You know? We played a lot of beer pong and since my stomach hadn't really acted up in a couple hours I decided to test it with some beer. I got rather drunk at one stage and had a small fight with the peircing pain from before, but other than that just enjoyed being a little drunk. I. was of course the girl to talk to, as she attracts more attention than I do just by standing there. I swear I could be jumping up and down and flashing everyone and if I. smiled and just stayed quiet, everyone would be intrigued and talk to her. Once again, good for her I say. It was rather funny because at one she was out back and I was inside watching the Yankee game (who won finally, yay) and everyone that came into the room ended up asking, "Who's that girl?" which every time would start a chorus of Who's that girl? by Eve and then someone would say, "Oh that's I." I was tres impressed.

It turns out that I. and I have only played 15 hours of GTA. That's right I said 15 hours!!! Dear lord, where are our lives going? And to add insult to injury we're only 28% into the game itself. But I love it anyway.

The job search continues. More and more and more. It seems neverending. I. has taken it upon herself to kind of be my agent, and frankly, I'm very glad for it. She's made my resume look a lot better than it did and my cover letter makes me sound like I single-handedly saved an entire race of people, and that was just this morning! Don't even let me begin with the amazing things I did this weekend! So www.monster.com will soon be barraged with the amazingness of Ramblin' Yank. I have also started to use careerbuilder.com and if I find some other places I'll use those too. I just want to find a job so that I can move out. I know that I say this every couple of days, but the job search is a horrid and ugly place to be. I can understand why people without any job become depressed and disappear into a world of tv and fast food binges. Not to say that I've completed avoided this plague on the unemployed, but I have family and friends who I think are started to talk of an intervention.

Most good things must come to end, as does this. I'm off to search for a job in the jungle of the unemployed and disheartened. Meep! Meep!

Sick, sick, sick

2006-06-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

Last night was a very good night. I ended up at I.'s house and we hung out with a couple of the guys that are friends with her roommate. One was really drunk, I've seen him drunk before, and let me tell you he's absolutely hilarious when he's drunk. He is loud and obnoxious but unlike most guys who get loud and obnoxious when their drunk, he's not aggressive, dangerous, or threatening... just funny, just loud, just J. So we hung out in the backyard for a while. A Yankee hat on fire was our sign to call it a night.

So we spent some time just us, and then we tried to sleep. When all of a sudden a pain shot through my stomach like being knifed. This pain decided that it enjoyed my stomach and was going to hang out for a while. Last night at 5 in the morning I slept for approx. 15 minutes and that was about all the sleep I got, because of this pain. I seriously considered having I. drive me to the hospital, because it occured to me that maybe it was appendicitis. Last night was also the first time in my entire life that I made myself throw up without having been drinking. I often say during that special period of the month that it is the worst feeling I've felt, the worst pain. I take it back, I would take 5 day of that special time over the feeling in my abdomen right now and for the past 12 hours. Of course lucky me, I get both; special time and this virus. I just want to feel better. I got the day at home that I wanted, but I can't do anything about it because I can't stand up or move around for more than a couple minutes at a time. It just stinks, that's all. I really dont want to be sick this weekend because I'm supposed to go to the beach, and I really want to go. (Get a tan maybe? Don't laugh, assholes). We will see what happens. Send good thoughts my way if you can spare them.

Feeling a Bit Lost.

2006-06-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

Still no big kid job. And I must admit I'm very tired of it. I feel like maybe I'm not doing enough to find one, not sending out enough resumes, not looking in the right places or maybe it's as simple as that my resume title on monster isn't catchy or clever enough, but whatever it is I wish someone would tell me. I know that I'm capable of doing a good, consistent, hard job with great results, yet I feel like I'm the only one that sees that. Instead I'm here and let me tell you, it will be the death of me if I can't get out of here. I'm underpaid, overworked, and not appreciated at all. Part of me says that I should put on my flip-flop, flip-flop my way over to my boss and quit, go home and spend the rest of the day dedicated to sending in applications to real jobs, to jobs that might challenge me in a way other than whether or not I'll go postal today. But I can't do that because while it's shitty money to be here, it's still money and it's money that I will need in the future. I still haven't opened up the savings account with ING like I should have, because I keep forgetting to find my routing number. You know what I need, I need a little notepad to follow me around and make sure I have everything taken care of, when I forget something to have a extenable foot that reaches out and kicks me in the ass... because obviously these non-kicking ass notepads just aren't doing the trick.

In good news, in about a month I. and I will be headed off for London. Yep that's right London, home away from home. I think that I'm far more excited about it than I'm letting myself feel because if I feel it than I really won't pay attention to anything else. Also it's been so long since I was there that I feel like it can't possibly be happening. But nonetheless, we're going. I think the first weekend we're going to go to Scotland because well I've never been there and who better to go with than someone who lived there for four years. I'm so excited about this. I've always wanted to see Scotland. I think the other thing about the trip that I'm not admitting to myself is that I'm really nervous about it. Right in the middle of the trip I will be going to St. Albans, a little north of London, to present at a conference for the international psychology society. I will be meeting people who are experts in their fields, who are from all over the world, and who has made huge discoveries in the field of psychology. Dr. Zellner and I will be published in their Psychology Journal. Me! Published at 22! It's crazy and yet still I can't find a big kid job. I think I'm becoming truly american.. my self-worth is starting to feel dependent on my occupation and as long as I'm working here and not somewhere with a steady paycheck and benefits I feel like crap. So bring on the 9-5, cause at least it will be 8 hours a day of knowing I have a future and am not going to end up a bag lady in NYC.

Drive-in Bliss

2006-06-14T11:03:00.000-07:00

Last night I took I. on a suprise adventure to the depth on New York State. She might have thought we were going to a rodeo, a hot air balloon ride, a sightseeing trip to Niagra Falls, or some such thing. It was a five month present and i had been thinking about it for a very long time. I wanted it to be special and something not usually done. So maybe a hot air balloon ride would have been a really good idea (why didn't I think of it earlier??), but no it was actually a Drive-In movie theatre.

I had called around to a couple different drive-ins but they were all playing cheesy movies like "Shaggy Dog" or "Cars". I finally found a Drive-In movie that was playing "The Omen" right up our alley. It figured to me that anniversary's of any type should be celebrated between us with a horror film, its how we started and hopefully how we'll continue. Although I must admit that I think that the horror film last night was much better than the one with which we began, but this might be a good sign of our improvement. So we pulled in and the smile on I.'s face made it completely worth it. It made it all worth it. We parked the car and went to get snacks (which were surprisingly good), rolled the windows down and got comfy.

The movie wasn't the best part though. The best part of all of it was sitting in a car, being comfortable because I could stretch out, put my legs anywhere I wanted to put them, and do as I pleased. I could talk as loud as I wanted, smoke 'em if you got 'em (which we didn't... serious lack of good judgement on my part), and just generally cause mayhem, as long as it was inside my own car. If you look up drive-in movies on google you can find a whole list of things that are good etiquette for when at a drive-in movie theatre. It's awesome. If you have one close to you, you should go, take your kids (trust me, if they are at all rambunctious, they will be more appriciated at a drive-in then a regular theatre), and see for yourself what this American tradition is worth. I have only ever seen one other place in the entire world that promotes any type of outdoor movie theatre and that was in Corsica where they put the movie on a wall and you paid an arm and a leg to go. Yet here we pay an average of 7 dollars for two movies, that's right a double feature. So for less than the cost of a regular movie theatre you can enjoy two movies and the comfort of being in your own space, with better refreshments than a regular move theatre.

Support your local drive-in so that my kids may one day see them too. Oh and p.s. turn your headlights off when you come in and don't step on the break pedal while parked (we know what you're doing, you don't need to advertise it and it's a bit distracting thank you).

I Always Knew They Were A Little Crazy

2006-06-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

So it was brought to my attention that the worst drivers ever were in the Northeast part of our great country. No! Really! I'm not kidding at all. You can laugh but the statistics prove it. Dumbest Drivers Ever, keep in mind the survey is only 20 questions long. I took it and got a 90% and I live in New Jersey. You could blame it on the fact that I really learned to drive somewhere else I guess, and that the retarded gene of the Northeast driver just hasn't infected me yet. Let's hope it doesn't cause just from my own experience, let's say I wouldn't have needed this survey to tell me that New York, Pennslyvania, Connecticut, Massholes and Delaware drivers are dumb schmucks who should never be allowed to drive. And yes I left New Jersey drivers out of this picture because while the Southern New Jersey drivers are idiots, the rest of us make up for them. We may drive crazy and without any regard for the rules but we make better commute time than anyone else in the world, and frankly who cares whether you run a couple people off the road, give the guy beside you a heartattack, or run over a few animals, as long as you make good time.

That belongs to me!

2006-06-13T08:15:00.000-07:00

So this weekend was nice and slow and quiet. Except for the gunshots being fired, cars being crashed, bombs being detonated and other general mayhem found in Grand Theft Auto. My mother hates that game and I'm pretty sure that my father would too. In the game I am a relatively young, rather dumb, big muscled (although if I didn't go to the gym so much I would be weak and small), fast driving, no shit taking, trash talking, motherf****** black man. My younger brother is dead, my older brother is in jail, my sister is dating a mexican (about which I'm very upset), and my friends for the most part are traitors.

In real life things are quite the opposite. No one I know is in jail, none of family are dead, my friends are for the large majority loyal, good hearted people. I am tall, lanky and definitely not black or gangster. So why do I enjoy disappearing in this world for hours at a time? I recognize that the person I am in this game and the people with whom I associate in the game are horribly destructive, manipulative, dangerous, ugly people. Is it because passing the missions present a challenge and I enjoy having to manipulate the game and learn the moves/tricks to pass through to the next round, or is it because I'm amused by living in this fake world (one that I would never be able to enter, even if I wanted to), or is it because I can walk into a burger joint, shoot both clerks and when I walk out and then back in, they are both alive and ready to serve me again with no hard feelings. Is it the fact that no matter what wrong I do, no one holds it against me, and if they do I can just load a saved game and try again until I get it right. I can run over as many people as I want, crash as many cars and do as much damage to the world around me as I want to do and no one really cares as long as I drive fast enough. This is an amazing ability. I must admit I love it.

Yet in real life I find that I am wanting to take on some of the traits of my character in GTA. I want to drive faster than anyone on the road. I want to drive on the shoulder and run red lights. I want to honk my horn and steal other people's cars, but alas I recognize that this is just not right or aligned with my real life morals. So as long as the only people I'm killing and the only cars I'm stealing are in GTA, I think I'll be alright.

Life is a Wave?

2006-06-09T11:37:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of this week I decided that it was time to start sending out applications again. I had ignored for far too long my need for a big kid job. Especially considering the amount of money I have been spending. It's absolutely ridiculous how quickly money will fly out of your hands, or maybe more appropriately my hands. I hate money with a passion that is pure and true and maybe that's why I throw it away to the tune of 300 dollars every two weeks when I am not paying attention. Right now I should have a lot more money saved up than I do. I mean, of course I have the expenses that I have to take care of, like phone bill (monthly), car insurance (semi-annually), EZ-Pass (which I don't have on my car yet), and gasoline (every three days because those Indian gas men are out to get me, I bet they hide "eat up gasoline even more quickly" tablets under those turbans and when I'm not looking they slip them into my gas tank), but anyway, other than those few things I have nothing for which to pay. I used to need to give my mother a hundred dollars a week towards removing my debt with her, so a good plan would be to now be putting that hundred dollars somewhere that I'm not allowed to touch it. So that's the new plan, that money goes directly into the saving's account that I am opening tonight and I'm not allowed to touch it, even if I really wanna.

But back to my quest for the perfect big kid job. I am a recent graduate of my small state uni and I want to become independent, I want to move out, I don't want to pay rent and all of that, but if that's what it means to be independent well then I guess I'll do that too. So I have been searching for a big kid job. I have responded to quite a few ads on craigslist.com and recently I made a profile for Monster.com. About three weeks ago I went on an interview (my first real interview ever) to a company called FFS. I interviewed for the position of Lab Technician, you see I would really like to work in a lab. I would like to experiment on stuff and find out why things work the way they do, and why people do the things they do, that sort of stuff. I thought the interview went very well. I wore my first business suit ever and tried to look snasy(which I think I succeeded, if I'm allowed to be a bit conceited). The HR lady said "you will definitely hear from us by the end of next week." Well I waited and waited and waited.. much to my dismay I was like a 6'2'' 17 year old kid with headgear waiting by the phone on prom night. And there was no magic fairy to make the outcome change. So trudging on from that disappointment I decided the best thing would be to get depressed and ignore the job process for a week or two.

Now getting back to my original point, I restarted my job search engine at the beginning of this week. I no longer limited myself to Lab positions. I applied to a place called Life Waves that tracks a person's heartbeat while making them exercise for a minute, then let's them "recover" for 2-3 minutes. They analyze the data and map out the ideal exercise plan for that person. It's a personalized system. I got a call from them one hour after sending my resume. I set up a phone interview for this morning at 11am and became extremely nervous (this would be my first phone interview and I say "um" a lot). 10:45am this morning they call and ask to reschedule till 2. I say that's fine. He compliments my flexibility. I comment that I've been practicing the splits lately, thank you for noticing. No I don't! But I did think about it.

2 o'clock I get a call from Mr. T. D.. He tells me all about the system, and how the interview process will continue. If he likes me, he'll invite me for a personal interview. We go through the entire interview. I try not to say "um" and he tries to find out who I really am. I even tell him my height and weight, he's impressed. He asks me to come in for an interview on Monday and then shares with me that I do not need to dress in a suit, it's very laid back there. He wore shorts and a ripped shirt with no shoes to work the other day! So I think I'll go in my string bikini top with some booty shorts and little sparkley flip flops... well no on second thought I'll go in a nice pair of slacks and a button down shirt, with appropriate shoes. I'm nervous but excited. I'm trying not to think about it because I don't want to be disappointed if they don't want me.

Tonight I'll go to Ice Age 2 and hope that those little furry animals will take my mind of the impending doom of a personal interview. This weekend I'll take it easy and maybe enjoy a barbeque and hot tub on Sunday. And since life is waves and every wave has a cycle and every cycle is essential to sleep, I think I will take an early night and sleep as best I can for Monday.

It Takes a Village To Feed a Child.

2006-06-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

So this past weekend was New Jersey Pride down in Asbury Park, and it was the first time since moving to New Jersey that I have had the oppurtunity to go. Every other year I was somewhere else in the world and so it was not possible to attend. Yet I. and I did attend this year and I must admit I was pleasantly surprised that I had a great time.

C., I., and I got to asbury around 2:30. We spent 20 minutes parking the car, 10 minutes walking over, so we really arrived at the park grounds about 3, but did we go in and join our friends? Absolutely not. We all had to use a restroom and we didn't particularly fancy using the porto loo's, jon's, whatever you want to call them, they're gross. So we went to the bar across the street, which is called "Wonder Bar", but I can't help but think that once even a bit tipsy everyone calls "Wonder Bra". By the time I had finished using the loo, I. and C. had decided to get a beer. So we all sat in the Wonder Bra for about an hour and drank cold beers and watched the Yankees get their asses handed to them on a silver platter (it was so sad). Then we realized that we had been here an hour and totally ignored all for which we came, except the beer. So we wandered over to the park, spent the next two hours saying hello to everyone that we ran into and eventually settling slightly right of the stage. 15 jello shots later, I am completely sober still and a little annoyed that I'm sober when I'm making a valient effort to be a least a little tipsy, but nay it doesn't happen. My annoyed mood, however, completely disappeared when the headline act for New Jersey Pride 2006 came on. It was the Village People and I being the closet disco fanatic that I am, went a bit nuts. I most definitely have videos on my phone of the Village People telling me that they want me, in the navy. Along with the video of the YMCA, I think I can die a happy woman.

After the Village People were over everyone sort of packed up and went across the road, muttering things about napping and resting for the night to come. I think the majority were actually going back to the hotel to have intoxicated fornications. Good for them I say. I., C., and I hung around the park and when it got a bit emptier started throwing the football around and then walked for a bit. Where low and behold we found chicken/pork kebabs, and dollar beer. Good for us.

Eventually we went back to the hotel, cleaned up a bit, watched some telly, met up with some friends and then went out to Circuit. I danced a lot. I had a really good time, ran into a girl who at the end of a first date puked in my car, and then tried to kiss me, which I had no words for then and still they seem to elude me. Ran into some other friends. Realized that I don't have enough time in the day to all that I want to do. And crawled back to the hotel room, exhausted and still sober, and crawled into bed. After a little tussle and being punched in the head, wrapped my arms around I. and went to sleep.

The next morning we all woke up with a groan, but it didn't take us long to be up and moving. We took a long walk on the boardwalk and beach, because of course this was the first day all weekend that the sun was out. J. discovered three beautiful kittens that lived under the boardwalk. One calico, two black and white. They would let us within a foot and then run back under the boardwalk. So when we tried of this "cat and mouse game", we decided to go get something to eat before heading home. I. killed approximately 6 bucks (that's a male deer, ps.) and ate liverwurst. C. ordered too much food, as did I, and J. played with her palm pilot. None of this surprising to say the least.

The ride home was more intense for me than the entire weekend combined, because C. and I got into a particularly heated debate about something that is extremely important to me, and I. got to play tissue for the next hour. I. and I finally got home and realized after a bit that we wanted KFC, so we went, but they were closed! What kind of fast food restaurant closes at 9pm? Seriously! We discussed it and decided that fast food restaurants or any other type of restaurant for that matter should not be allowed to show food ads after the time that they close, it's a kind of torture that should not exist. We went searching for something else and settled on White Castle. I ordered too much and felt a bit sick when we finally laid down to sleep (watching Zorro... what a fruitcake).

But all's well that end's well....

Stepped in the bucket.

2006-05-31T08:07:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend I left two cans of coke in the backseat of my car, not really contemplating the damage that heat can do to a can of coke. Nevertheless heat took it's toll and when I returned to my car on Tuesday morning, the tops of the cans had completely blown off, leaving the backseat of my car to look as if I had put a small animal in the microwave, on high, for two minutes.

So after work yesterday I drove my car over to the inspection station and waited in line for an hour (getting approx. 1/5th for the way around towards the actual station) before turning around and going home. Once home I filled a bucket full of water and climbed into the backseat of my car to scrub, an hour later I climbed back out, proud of the great job at cleaning I had done and on the way out, stepped directly into the dirty water left in the bucket. As I dragged my damaged, soaking wet foot into the house with me I felt a little like one of the three stooges. Or maybe more appropriately the fourth stooge that just couldn't get the timing right.

In other news, I. and I are looking for apartments. We hope that C. will move in with us cause she's an awesome person, who we think is fairly responsible and with whom we enjoy hanging out. The apartment that I. and I saw this weekend was really awesome. Lots of things about it that we really liked, but the bedrooms were just too small. I don't spend much of my time in my bedroom or I.'s, but I wouldn't even want to be in it if it's going to be two of us sharing the room and it's smaller than the one that I have by myself now. On a really good note, you never know, not matter how much you talk about it, whether or not you are both really looking for the same thing, yet the more we talked about it this weekend and after seeing that apartment and comparing notes and thoughts, I really am confident that I. and I really are looking for similar attributes. I just hope that C. can agree with our needs/desires.

In funny news, I. and I went to KFC last night and the nice cashie, food-getter-guy made me miss our happy Wendy's lady just cause he was fairly nice. It occured to me last night that I never expect to see an even remotely attractive person working at a fast food place and therefore when I do, I think they end up looking like movie/rock-stars to me just because their mild attractiveness shines like a "come to the light" beacon amongst the dingy-ness of an already made meal.

What better way to begin...

2006-05-30T11:04:00.000-07:00

Then with the link of the week:

http://www.patentlysilly.com/

There ya have it, the best link of the last week of May 2006.